I am never more wildly optimistic than at 2:30AM when I still can’t sleep.
I’ve never had the best sleep schedule, but I started getting much better about it in 2019. I had the horrible realisation that I might be more creative and productive in the morning, that I was more likely to work out in the morning, that all these infuriating morning people might actually be right about how nice mornings are… and I started sleeping earlier.
To be clear, I was definitely still sleeping later than I probably should have, but I had started regularly getting into bed at 11/12. I had started realising 1AM was ‘late.’ And as you may know, I was working on 2020 being the year I finally become a morning person.*
And then… *waves hands in general direction of the world*
How can you have a proper sleep schedule when time is no longer real?
Social distancing measures really makes me feel like I’m back in High School. I play video games all night. I’m in a long distance relationship with my partner, who’s an hour away. I drink way more coffee (usually decaf because I am a responsible adult). And then, despite the decaf coffee, I have terrible insomnia!
When I can’t sleep, it feels like a punishment. If only I had worked out, or answered all my emails, or wrote three sonnets and a pitch document - then I wouldn’t be so stressed, then my brain would let me sleep. But I didn’t do it then, and I can’t do it now because otherwise, how will I get to sleep???
Still, no matter why I can’t sleep, there’s always a turn. At some point, I stop thinking about how awful I feel, and I start making plans.
Usually, I plan breakfasts. I think about separating eggs and breaking out the waffle maker. I think about pre-heating the oven for breakfast sandwiches. I dream about ingredients for preserved egg congee, huevos rancheros, fresh loaves of bread. I start thinking, even if I only sleep for three hours, two, one, I can wake up and have enough time to make the elaborate breakfast of my dreams. And inevitably, that’s the last thing I think of before I fall asleep.
I don’t usually wake up in time to make these elaborate breakfasts. This used to make me feel awful, thinking about all these promises I can’t keep. This time, I’ll wake up at 5AM and I’ll make pancakes for everyone. This time, I’ll finally finish that third act, just as the sun comes out. This time, I won’t oversleep till noon, I’ll be wiser and do better and sleep so fucking well the next day.
I don’t feel bad about that anymore. Rest is important, and while yes, there are times when I can push through the fatigue into productive mania the next day, it’s not healthy or realistic to expect that of yourself.
But I’ve known that, and that’s never really stopped me from trying anyway. What’s really helped is thinking of them less as broken promises, and more as bursts of optimism. I have gotten so sad and low over the past few months (years? …decades?), but even at my lowest, there’s still a point where I go, ‘You know what? Tomorrow will be better.’
Tomorrow will be less sad. Tomorrow will be less anxious. Tomorrow I will make breakfast, and that will be worth waking up for.
Thanks for reading! Have a treat.
* I know I haven’t been doing this newsletter for that long, but that first newsletter feels like it was truly a million years ago.